Sometimes when I am feel like all I do is work and my life is unbalanced between family, work, and other fun things that middle aged men do and I am feeling unfulfilled and little sorry for myself, I ask said self in the immortal words of Peggy Lee’s classic song Is that All There is?
As I sit there impatiently waiting for answers, allowing depression to creep into my dark chambers, I decide to live dangerously and eat a bowl full of Jell-O while I am lying on my back on the couch, the selfsame couch my wife—a true angel from Heaven if there ever was—has told me not to eat on many, many times. Foolish ignoring her the possibility of incurring her wrath, I begin to think more and more about my so-called life. And I start to question things and think upon this crazy planet and all six million plus people that I share with it, questioning what kind of man I am? Am I a man of God? Am I a man of Science? Or am I both? Is that even possible in a country that now seems to be simultaneously anti-faith and anti-reason?
Continuously, living between the profane and mundane, constantly wrestling with my own humanity, I wonder would I even know God if I found him. Would I recognize Him for all that He is and would recognize how much He has helped me in my life? Now I know that whether or not I find God, He is searching me out to live up to my potential and do some kind of good in this World.
There are times, though, that I know when I want to remain hidden in the background, remain in my secret places and let much of this world pass me by. I’m like please, Lord, don’t find me now I am not in the best shape and prefer to stay in my comfort zone. But still challenges and opportunities are laid before me and I have choices, sigh! always choices. But, from what I understand of God from the Ancients, He does not force us to be good any more than the Prince of Darkness, the Charming Devil himself, makes us do bad things. God does not force us into Heaven. We’ve been given wide berth to be stupid, foolish, naughty, bad, very bad, very, very bad and just plain evil. And from what I can tell of my life so far I’ve taken full advantage of the opportunities to be daft, shortsighted, and just plain beastly.
“And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt…”
But as hard as I’ve tried I cannot do wrong and feel right because of the light of Christ I was born with just like as everyone else. I cannot give pain and gain pleasure, that’s pure fantasy and poppycock. It’s perverted and corrupt to think otherwise. And thank goodness God is not fleeting just because my flesh is more often than not more willing than my spirit. And thank goodness, God and His existence are not threatened—like we mere mortals are— by mercurial faith, insecurities, questioning and sometimes the insistence that science and logic be the tools to prove His existence. What hubris we have to dazzle in vain. I feel doubly blessed that God’s is long-suffering and forever patient with me. If I am wise enough I should be passing those qualities forward to the throng of humanity I encounter on my pilgrimage through this tired and weary World and see life as God sees life:
“One human life is as precious as a million lives, for each is infinite in value.”